Let's Give it Another Whirl

I've been really enjoying blogging, and although I gave up on this one a few years ago, it has the potential for great funnies.  Please ask me for advice.  I can't promise it's good, but so far it's been pretty damn funny.  I like the idea of running a more interactive blog than The Trials and Triumps of Being Me(lissa).  Don't Get me wrong--that blog is the shit (you should read it), but that's me telling you stuff.  This is you asking me to tell you stuff.

Check out what I mean at my only previous post, here.

This is going to be a secondary blog for me, but I'd love to make a goal of 5 answers in a weekly post.  I'm going to add a page where you can submit your questions directly, so feel free and go nuts!

And so it begins...

- My neighbors let their children play outside until very late at night. I don't usually even notice them while I'm inside, now that it's warming up and we've opened the windows it's getting really noisy at night when I'd rather be relaxing. It would be less of a problem if the kids played in their own yard - but they're walking up and down the street and often seem to stop right in front of my house. Arg! What's a good way to bring this up?

-Irritated Neighbor in San Franciso


Dear Irritated Neighbor,

I find it best to think of children as miniature people. You can go as far to assume that they also have tiny little thoughts and feelings.

If you can hear them, they can hear you. Lean out the window and introduce yourself. Then explain your problem. It's safe to assume that neither of the parties involved really want to speak with their mother about this.

Most people, and children, want to feel respected and well liked. Most people would also rather not make waves. I suspect once these kids realize there is an issue, there will cease to be one.

When is the market going to rebound? Is now a good time to invest?

-Failing in Finance, Des Moines


My first piece of advice is that you never again ask a strange woman how she would spend your money. Even in the hypothetical, it sets a rather bad precedent.

I invest most of my surplus in groceries. I never make money, but even when the market dives, I remain remarkably fat and sassy.

As a non-professional, my advice for now, would be to save at a good interest rate or consider investing in real estate. I can't think of anyone who can tell you when the economy will improve.

Should I be worried about this rash....?

-Too Embarrassed for a pseudonym

Not at this point. Keep the area clean for now. Within a week or two I suspect if will shrivel up and fall off. It's really a problem that solves itself.

I get really mad when i see my girl friend talking to other guys. I say she is flirting, she says she is just being friendly. How can i make her understand how i feel.

-Jealous in Jersey

J.J.-
You need to be able to trust your girlfriend. There are a couple of possibilities here: either your girlfriend is being flirty and it bugs you, or you're a little insecure and blowing some innocent chatter out of proportion. The main problem is you aren't sure which it is, and neither am I.

It does worry me that you describe yourself as "angry". As you have discussed this with your girlfriend, I think it's pretty clear that she knows how you feel.

If you can't let your girlfriend be her own person and socialize, this is headed for a breakup really fast. You need to analyze the situation and really figure out what is bothering you. Is she really flirting, or are you uncomfortable not being the object of her direct attention?

Try to join in the conversation. I think a good compromise might be to ask your girlfriend to introduce you to her friends. It shows you have an interest in her friends, gives you a chance to join in on the giggles, and states your relationship out front.

Let's Do It!

The time to ponder is done, and the time to answer is upon us. The only remaining problem is the utter lack of queries before me.

All topics are open for discussion. Sex questions are sure to be the funniest, but I am up for anything. Car questions could be funny if you really expect me to come up with an answer. Do you have "a friend" with an embarrassing problem? Hypothetically, is there anything that I can help you with?

You may be asking yourself, why would I want this woman to answer my questions? Is she in some way qualified to assist me with my overwhelming issues? Of course not. I am not a doctor. I am not licenced for anything but the selling of alcohol, and likely not in your state of residence.

I am, however, the one person in the world who is likely to say, "oh yeah, I did that once too." I have made, by this date a plethora of fuck ups and am still in reasonably good shape. I know, at least in retrospect, what I should have done.

You may consider these words from Lewis Carroll, "I give people very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." Consider that my qualification. As for my retort, Mr Carroll was kind enough to include in the same volume the following words: "eat me."

Please send your problem/query/or factoid to mhsitram@gmail.com . All letters may be reposted in part or whole. If you do not wish to be identified, please make use of a proper pseudonym. Letters may be edited for grammar or length. Spelling errors may be retained for implicit funniness.